Mike Burr - log

Autophobia vs Autophila

Disliking yourself is a big problem. I feel like I don't want to use the word "dislike", and it's important to consider that the name "feels" wrong, but you know what I mean. Why does it just pop into one's head over and over again. It's hard to put into words, which is probably part of why I have issues with the words "self" and "dislike". I think the real word for it is "shame". You have some thought, an image in your head, or a short video clip, and you feel something. It's like an emotional cringe (like what I might feel if I find and read this 10 years from now.) Don't deny it. You've felt it many times. It's a meme more basic than the actual "cringe" memes. I think it's adaptive. We have this mechanism to keep us safe from the lions and all that. Why is it so hard to control? Why do so many solutions or strategies for dealing with it so often involve being "in the moment". When you do creative (-ish?) work it's a much bigger problem than if you're doing some repetitive or mindless work. When I think back to the truly mindless jobs I've had in the past I remember how pleasant it was to listen to (shudder) "talk radio" while working. The constant, regular movement are keeping lots of circuits humming peacefully and your inner-self can prop its feet up and "relax", as counterintuitive as that sounds. Here's something I notice literally right now, when my brain is searching for the next word or idea, and if strong negative memory is associated with one of the candidates my brain proposes, that causes a fork and I start down the line of thought involving the memory of said thing that is so "disturbing" or terrible or whatever. Couple things! 1) that little theater scene you're imagining there is by most definitions of "real", not really even real. So, why are you churning on about that? Hm? And 2) in what way does any of this help you? It could have actual real helpful side-effects. You're running a simulation and playing with the variables. How could I have reacted? Oooh! What if I had said this instead, that'd showed 'em. Dumb, right?

So I don't have much advice about all that other than to say: it never ends, everybody has the same issues. Carry on my wayward diamond.

With regard to self "love", first, it's totally gay. I think we can all agree on that. But "love is patience" is a passage from some book that kind of does resinate. I mean, if it literally were patience, would it still be gay? To be patient with yourself? Being impatient with yourself sounds on the surface like a really bad idea. Does barking orders ever produce much benefit when your trying to teach your student to tweak his brush strokes ever so thusly? I don't think so (asshole!) If yur in the army and your goal is to go over the thing more quickly, then screaming helps. There are more ways to scream beside literal screaming. You can give an expertly timed disapproving glare. Or you can be accidently but not really accidentally caught rolling your eyes at something. This says to the student. "HEY, LOOK OVER HERE! (PUNCH) WHY ARE YOU SO ON EDGE? HAVE SOME EXCELLENT IDEAS, DUMBASS!" No helpful.

You should be more patient with yourself than just about anyone else. And in practice, I bet you're least patient to yourself, most of all. ;-)

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