Mike Burr - log

Kratom

I'm not sure how I feel about kratom. No it is not any kind of wonderdrug. It's obviously not good for you in high quantities. It gives me a boost, just like caffeine does, and also like caffeine, it feels like the extra energy is hard to direct. The quantity of mental energy is not the problem. You can definitely be energetic and productive. Anything that really focuses the mind (yooou know what I'm talking about), is hard for me to use responsibly.

Adderall (right?) is great. And I'm sure lots of similar drugs have similar effects. Here is my theory on why I have such a hard time with not outright abusing Adderall: when I take it, I feel

  1. Slightly euphoric. This alone is a problem obviously. Or at least a "problem" if you're not ok with becoming a tweaker. I wonder how much I "feel good" because I'm more productive and how much I'm more productive because I "feel good". It's like this thing that every personality type has, called "writer's block" if you're a writer, but you have experienced it and since you make thing's, for you it's called "thinger's block". It's the same thing! It's like there's just this wall between you and happy productivity. That wall needs to come down. It takes little effort but is at the same time really hard. I think mostly that wall is made out of self-criticism.

  2. More productive. Which is a kind of separate addiction for me. I spend so much time wagging my finger at myself for not being "something" enough (productive, whatever) that it's its own kind of pleasure to feel "I'm kicking ass for once". That's why I wonder, for me at least, if the feeling productive (or feeling acceptable) is so uncommon for me, that I react strongly, emotionally to that feeling. "Yep, it's aaall going to be okay." I rarely ever felt that way. I think it's called "anxiety"* but people disagree about the names of colors all day long. Do you really think "anxiety" is at all meaningful? Emotions can't really be described in one word, practically speaking.

Anway, send me adderall.

* anxiety is: life is unfair. So what, let's enjoy the ride. It's our human brains saying. "don't let your guard down." Even though there's not really any good reason to go around with your guard up. You can't know what others are thinking, the past doesn't exist, and consciously/conscientiously "always being a perfect person" is a recipe for unending disappointment.

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