Mike Burr - log

Where All the White Girls At?

Huge Insight

I just realized something possibly amazing about my "whole deal". I can remember in the past feeling like, "everybody online is mean to me ;-("

Sidestepping how embarrassing and useless that "observation" is, I think I know how it would self-reinforce. I would ask a question, expecting to be recognized as a mystic genius for all my profundity. Or, at least I would expect a cheerful reply (important: even when it was a stupid question/idea/observation).

Then, when I'd get no responses within say 5 minutes, I'd peep in there again and say something edgy or ...clowny. "I just can't seem to crack this nut." or "I reckon I need some more book-learnin. I'll be sure and study up myself some too!"

And maybe repeat in another 5 mins (mind you, I may have just been a question of volume). Eventually someone who wants to say "shut! up!" will say something sarcastic instead.

"QED! No one appreciates my genius! ;-( !!"

So, yeah. Stupid. Granted I tried to mind my manors. But I really thought the world revolved around me at (often) times.

[Update]

I find myself composing a thing in a chat somewhere and having my pinkie hover over the enter key. And then I think, 'yeeah...naah...yyea...' for no real reason. I'm not sure what I'm thinking. "Oh boy, they're gonna love this one!" (yeesh) but then I decide not to, probably 50% of the me.

I feel like the "real" (emotional) conversation my glands are having with each other is, "naah, I'm just too much for them. they can't dig my yolo vibe." but what I really should be saying to myself is "I don't need that little squirt of dopamine. I should do something productive and try to stop needing that."

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