[I know it's stupid! You're stupid!]

Little MCU hobby parts are cheap, plentiful and performant.

Maybe for fun... go out in the woods somewhere with a handful that have the following specs:

• Small, cheap, weatherproof, many-month batteries
• High fidelity single channel audio recording on each
• Very accurate clocks that timestamp audio

Put them up atop trees in a circle; maybe a 10m circle with a total of 20 devices. They should all be equidistant and the same hight: They should form an evenly-spaced circle (all the same hight).

Let them record for a while. Line up all the audio using the timestamps.

Any two opposing mics can be considered a stereo pair.

You might even use head tracking stuff so that as you turn your head, the mics fade from one to the next, simulating "ears" that rotate along with a gigantic (10m) head.

Profit.