I just think taking a part of your thinking, put it on the bench and trying to understand what's up is a good course of action sometimes. I think (too much possibly) thinking about your thinking is a super wholsome, productive, pleaserable way to spend your time.

Now compare that with "endlessly ruminating about that thing you said in the 3rd grade". "You know", right? Me too.

So what is up? I guess one fun thing to do is propose:

Maybe this is just a simple biological self-preservation mechanism? Remember that time that one tiger saw you naked? Embarrassing! Ruminating just means, endlessly running simulations and doing experiments that would have changed the outcome. It is an organ that squirts ideas into your brain, nothing more.

Think about it, if you were learning about a new kind of AI that was all exciting and all "lit" and whatever. It could kind of talk to you like a confused but coherent toddler. Pretty creepy. "Don't let me die dadeeee!" shudder.

If you were poking around its logic circuits and whatnot and you saw a module that said "remember things occasionally and feel fucking awful about them". And it's got all this special logic in it to determine which painful memory you will needlessly relive and how often and all kinds of useful parameters like that. Maybe if x: return suicide();. You find that in there too! Oh my gaaawd! Disable that shit!

Oh wait, do you have one of those modules? TortureYourselfForEver::*, well consider that it may just be kind of malfunctioning these days when surviving and thriving is like falling off a bicycle. Are you poor, well good news, you have all the food you could want and a cell phone. Except obviously in a few places where that is not true, in which case, let us fix that and stop arguing about who has too much stuff!

In other words, you have a way lot more inactivity and free time to ruminate. Congratulations. I know you still don't feel any better, but I cannot help you there. Maybe try applying this kind of thinking to yourself and see if it frees up some bandwidth?

Carry on, you are forgiven. Even if you're an Atheist. You need to work on you.

Also, pretty much possibly related, I realized all this "mindfulness" mumbo jumbo might have a kernel of helpfulness to it, depending on your definitions.

Sitting quietly and just gently playing a game with yourself: see how much of your sensory input can you just acknowledge all at once. It's like trying to remember "way too many things" but sort of the physical analog of that. Be aware in the reality-based "sensory" world. Just for lols. For me, it's had surprising rewards. I find myself "relaxed and calm" after just a few seconds of it, litraly. Is it all in my head? Who cares, the head is what we're working on.

Anyway, bigger takeaway for me—your punishing rumination about Y might be am..elior..able(..?) Make feel better.